Why Nice Guys Fail With Women

By Grant Day
Copyright © 2005, Seduction Insider. All Rights Reserved.

There are two big deep cavernous reasons playing the “nice guy” out in there in the tough world of dating gets you nadda, zip. Trust me, I know, I’ve fallen into both of these nasty traps big time in the past, often both at the same time. Lucky for you I’m willing to let you learn from my (and oh so many other men’s) mistakes:

1. Guys who play “nice” in order to try and friend their way into sex/romance with a woman are lying both to themselves and the woman.

2. Guys who play “nice” in order to try and friend their way into sex/romance with a woman are trying to fix the past with the present.

Why Being A Nice Guy Is Lying and Doesn’t Work

There’s no fault in actually being a nice guy, the fault is when you use it as a ploy to try to win your way into a woman’s heart or bed. Why? Because my man, you can’t deal with your reality of your own lust. No matter how much we we’re told we live in a free and open society and men are allowed to think about sex all we want, we’ve also been giving the competing message that we’re dogs for thinking of women as sexual objects. Our society is still working out how to deal with women as whole full sexual human beings. Many of us guys still carry around that old whore/Madonna complex.

So what do you do? You play Mr. Nice Guy and trust worthy and pretend that the site of her (that woman of your dreams whose life you’re working your way into as the trusted buddy) ass in those jeans didn’t keep you up last night. You think this act is going to make you safe and appealing to her, when in reality it leaves her with a funny feeling about you in her gut that she can’t quite put her finger on. She likes you well enough, she’s happy to hang out with you, but she knows something’s bothering her about you. She gets the idea from some of your behavior that you might be into her, but from others that you really do only want to be a friend. Frankly, the idea of kissing you makes her skin crawl because you’ve fallen into the wuss pile. The irony of this is how easy it is to see when our friends have fallen into the wuss pile, but man are we blind when it’s ourselves.

What kind of women makes us wuss out? The ones we don’t think we don’t really have a chance at. The ones who intimidate us in some way, with their beauty or brains or success, or who simply have the sheer force of personality that both shrivels us and tantalizes us at the same time. It doesn’t matter dude. If you want a woman you need to let her know. No, you don’t have to drool on her, or stalk her, but you do need to find a short sweet way of letter her know “hey, I’m interested”. Yes, you do risk the chance of bombing out, of her saying “sorry, don’t feel the same way” but it’s better to get your interest out there than to hang around as a friend. Think of it this way – every hour you hang out with a woman as a friend and confidant without letting her know of your real desire is a nail in your coffin of sexual chance with her.

Nr. Nice Guy, There’s No Fixing The Present With The Past

I’m no therapist. I haven’t gone to school to a Psyche degree, but my own miserable mishaps with dating and a failed marriage drove me to learn from my mistakes. Here’s what I’ve found out in a very plain layman’s nutshell; many of us (both men and women) are trying to fix old painful relationships with a family member through romantic relationships in the present. What I mean is this, we unconsciously find ourselves drawn to women who have some of the similar characteristics as the parent we had the most challenges with (or both, or a sister or brother, you get the idea).

In my own case my parent’s marriage was on the rocks from the time I was about ten until they divorced when I was 15. I became my mother’s surrogate husband and confidant at an age when I had no real choice in the matter, if I was going to get positive attention from my mother it was going to be by my “being there” and “helping” her a majority of the time. For years after I left home I would get myself into romantic relationships that mirrored this. I would be attracted to women who were beautiful and fun (like my mother) but totally disorganized dramatic messes in their every day lives. I thought they needed me to get their life on the right track.

Nice Guys Need A Sexual Enabler

But here’s the rub, once we decide that a possible (or actual) romantic/sexual partner needs our serious help to “set their life straight” we become a parent rather than a mate, or an enabler rather than a partner. We feel we’re doing it for all the right and altruistic reasons, but really we’re not. Certainly we move forward in the relationship with desire for the person, but at the same time we feel we’re somehow superior, more together, we have the answers that they need to listen to.

Sometimes we go into relationships to be a woman’s savior because we’re convinced that she just hasn’t been given a fair chance – at of course it’s possible that she hasn’t. Still the reality is that the relationship doesn’t begin on an even playing field. We think we have the answers she should follow.

So what can you do? Recognize the similarities in the women you’re drawn to and compare them with your family members. When you find the similarities that drive you nuts you need to ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with a woman who has these qualities. You need to take the time to think out for yourself what kind of woman you think would really be best for you vs. the kind that you usually fall for. Once I realized that I didn’t need to fix a woman’s life in order for her to be interested in me I began getting in touch with the sort of woman I really want. It wasn’t easy, but I tell you what – it was a heck of a lot more fun.